


serial killer smile

by fien



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Gay, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-21 18:12:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fien/pseuds/fien
Summary: Evan knew of Connor-who doesn't know of Connor? But he never expected Connor to show up at his therapist's office. And he especially didn't expect their first conversation to be while Evan was trying to understand why Connor was in his seat.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is really short but its probably not over

After a few stairs and sucking in a breath, he figured he was well enough prepared for what was about to happen. It happened every other week but this was his…tradition of sorts. Trying not to panic and over think everything before he even got into the damn chair. He could do this. One step and then one more. And then down a hallway that lead into a frigid waiting room with an ancient TV hanging in the corner. As well as an ancient receptionist typing on an ancient box computer. The waiting room had that same awkward tension and weird smell as all waiting rooms have. Dusty, sad, and full of despair. The last one mostly from the middle-aged man in the corner with an occasional cough who never seemed to be taken back.

Evan had reached the dreaded waiting room, and was tapping his foot on the (thankfully) carpeted floors. He looked around while he waited for the receptionist to look up from the terribly old keyboard. The clacking of her obviously spa-primped nails was the only sound in the room other than the rattling of the dusty air conditioner and the man's coughing. Evan had already been in this room, of course, but looking around seemed way less awkward than intensely staring at the old woman. When she finally looked up and over her glasses, he did a weird little half wave he regretted immediately. _Oh god why did he do that_. Then, continued with his name, "Evan Hansen," _except_ it came out with an uncomfortable voice crack right in the middle of "Evan" and a cough to fix it. "Ev-uh-an Hansen." Hansen was said low and grumbled. God, he couldn't even say his own name correctly. 

When the lady nodded and told him to have a seat, Dr. Sherman will be with you soon. Evan spun around and went to sit in his usual chair; in one of the two seats across from the door Dr. Sherman would walk through to call his name. Not too close to the door so Evan would have to uncomfortably crane his neck to see Dr. Sherman. But not too close to the coughing man so Evan would get the man's never ending sickness. A well thought out seat that Evan took pride in. If you could take pride in worrying about where you were going to sit in your therapist's office. _But_ just because life seemed to have a personal vendetta against Evan, someone had already chosen to sit there. And Evan knew that someone. Not knew personally, but knew of. He was in a black zip up sweatshirt, with black jeans, and black boots. With black nails. And long unruly hair. Was he emo? Or was he goth-chic? Scene? Depressed? Come on Evan, does it even _matter_. Well now Evan was just standing, _staring_ , at this depressed emo gothic wannabe. And the depressed emo gothic wannabe was looking back at him with one eyebrow raised, his lips slightly parted, his legs spread, with an arm propped up on the extremely uncomfortable and far to small for any elbow, arm rest. He managed to look like he owned the place. Like he owned this small dirty, dusty, hellhole of a waiting room.

Evan was frozen in place at being caught staring. His mind was whirring trying to think of a reason to be watching Connor Murphy, the school psychopath. Yeah, Evan knew who this was, most people did. And that was all the more reason why he couldn't seem to process Connor. 

"Listen, Evan, is it? I'm not going to shoot up the place, okay? I don't even have my preferred weapon. All I have is my mind. Some would say that's enough to ruin anyone. And to those people I say, you're goddamn right. Why else would I be in therapy?" Connor gave a serial killer smile, a laugh like he knew something Evan didn't, and the glint in his eyes wasn't promising. Connor looked away and snickered again, like something about what he just said was funny. Evan looked back with something a bit like fear in his eyes at the receptionist, where she had stalled her typing and gave Connor the side eye, and then continued her clacking. Evan breathed deep and made his way as far across the room and as far away from Connor as he could. What did it matter if he got the old man's weird sickness? As long as he didn't have to see the smile that was burned into his eyelids for the rest of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

Evan was eventually called back by Dr. Sherman. He could feel Connor's eyes burning holes into the back of his head as Evan followed his therapist. He trailed after Dr. Sherman down another long hallway and into a room that smelled less like depression and more like desperation. The chair Evan sat on was on the verge of being uncomfortable. He kept crossing and uncrossing his legs, trying his best to relax. It was harder when his anxiety was amped up ten times its usual amount. Dr. Sherman took a deep breath before turning a tight and tired smile Evan's way. Then the pretending began.  
. . .

Therapy went fine. Everything was always just… fine. He was asked the same questions as always; how is everything in your life, what’s on your mind, what’s bothering you, and are there any goals you’d like to discuss? He was told to speak openly, like always. Dr. Sherman took an alarming amount of notes with an obviously practiced straight face. Evan had gotten an assignment for next time. Letters. To himself. God, this was embarrassing. Dr. Sherman had asked about Evan's friends. Evan had shifted in his seat awkwardly, he didn't have any friends. Only a "family friend' who seemed more like an asshole at times than someone Evan wanted to hang out with.

After Dr. Sherman told him their time was up and walked him to the door, Evan immediately dug his phone out of his pocket to text his mom. Only after he double checked that the text sent, he gave the waiting room a quick glance. Connor was nowhere to be seen. The dark cloud that seemingly followed Connor around was no longer taking up all the air in the waiting room. Evan could breathe normally now. He really wasn't sure if that was because of Connor's "cloud" or because he was leaving this damn place.

While waiting for his mom to come pick him up, he began thinking about subtle ways to lie about his mental health improving. His list ended up consisting of:  
1) try not to write as awkwardly  
2) use happier word choices  
3) leave a spelling mistake or two to show he's just so busy with his friends that he finished his letter in a rush

Number three probably wouldn't end up working. The urge to fix any and all spelling mistakes was way above the urge to pretend to have friends. Evan was abruptly pulled out of his list making process by someone dropping down next to him on the entryway stairs. Oh _great_ , it was Connor. Just lovely. Even though Evan had obviously been looking at Connor and Connor had obviously seen the look Evan had sent his way (and had raised his eyebrows which frankly looked pretty damn intimidating) Evan decided to just ignore Connor. That's what people said about bees right? Ignore them and they won't hurt you. Hopefully it was the same for other people.

Connor seemed to always make a lot of noise. He moved his whole body trying to get comfortable on the concrete steps. He breathed loudly, and he was talking. Wait, fuck, that meant Evan hadn't been listening to a word out of Connor's mouth. Instead of reacting like a normal person would in this kind of situation, Evan decided to just openly stare at Connor until he either repeated himself or left. Hopefully he would do the second thing. Connor waited, seemed to grasp that Evan hadn't heard, rolled his eyes, and turned his body toward Evan. Evan unconsciously scooched back.

"I know there's some suck ass assignments given in depression central, but mine is absolutely terrible." Connor looked at Evan like he was telling him something extremely important.

"Uh.. wh-why are you telling me?" Evan felt like he was being judged.

Connor rolled his eyes like it was obvious, "I have to try to make at least one friend. Or pretend I do. And it's harder to make an imaginary person appear than you'd think," he laughed like he didn't sound like he just basically told Evan he had a personality disorder. Or that's what Evan got out of it. He needed to stop thinking so much. "Anyway, I've picked you. Congratulations on becoming the infamous Connor Murphy's new best friend." He said it so casually, like Evan didn't have a choice in the matter. Or that this was the first real conversation they've had.

"We don't even know eachother." Evan was so confused. Where was his mom when he needed her?

" _But_ our therapists are in the same building, we go to the same school, we're in the same grade, we have the same social status-complete outcasts. We're a match made in heaven." Connor said, sarcasm dripping off his words. Evan was completely baffled.

Connor dug around in his beat up messenger bag until he found what he needed and began bringing it out of his bag. Evan's immediate thought was "gun" and his palms started sweating, heart rate picking up. It was only a handheld journal, graffitied with years of memories. How paranoid and quick to judge did Evan have to be? Connor quickly scribbled something on an already full page, ripped it out, and shoved it into Evan's hands before carefully placing the journal back into his bag and standing. Connor loomed over Evan, Evan squinting from the sun, trying to see Connor's face, "See you later, buddy," Connor said as he lifted a hand in a sad attempt of a wave and began walking away from Evan.

Evan finally looked at the scrap of paper Connor had stuffed into his hand when he got home. It said " _Don't let this go to your head_ ," scrawled above a terribly written phone number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to write??? here's this??? shoutout to @lattebooks for dealing with my whining about everything i ever post, including this chapter lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> underline is connor and regular text is evan!!

Evan didn't text people. Or call people for that matter. Only his mom and Jared occasionally, but that only happened when his "friend" needed school notes. So, Connor expecting Evan to not have a mental breakdown when given his number was entirely unrealistic, extremely wrong, and unbelievable. So here he was, staring between his phone and the scribbled on paper. " _ Don't let this go to your head,"  _ Evan would prefer never having to interact with Connor at all, and Connor was the one to initiate their supposed "friendship". Why was he acting like Evan and he were about to do something shady? It was a therapy assignment, not a bank robbing. Or that's what Evan hoped. He really didn't have the confidence to steal something. Or the heart. What if this was all an elaborate act? What if Connor didn't actually have therapy and he followed Evan and tried to destroy him, one weird thing at a time? In reality, it didn't make sense, but when did Evan's mind think anything reasonable?

He didn't know what to do, if he didn't text Connor, would he confront Evan at school? He hoped not. Then people would think he was more weird than before. Just texting hello couldn't be  _ that _ bad. So that's what Evan did. 

Evan (2:34 p.m)

Hello.

Connor (2:37 p.m)

who is this

Evan was pretty surprised that Connor had answered so quick. He figured that the other was probably too busy smoking or being a bad kid to answer anything. Evan responded nonetheless. 

Evan (2:42 p.m)

Evan. Hansen. You gave me your number earlier…? In a threatening manner.

Connor (2:50 p.m)

what do you want

 

Evan was baffled by Connor's answer and a bit annoyed. Who did he think he was? Evan didn't  _ want  _ anything. Connor did, and Evan decided to entertain him.

 

Evan (2:53 p.m)

You tell me. You're the one who gave me your number because you need a friend. 

Connor (2:57 p.m) 

yeah i do need a "friend", fake shit though. ik you dont have any except that rat lookin motherfucker but dont mke me regret this decision

 

Evan couldn't believe this asshole thought it was okay to make fun of Evan's (kind of) friend when he was the one…  _ pleading  _ for Evan to be his friend! Okay, Connor didn't plead, but he sure was desperate. Like damn, did Connor think he was all high and mighty or something? He probably was high, but that's not what Evan needed to think about right now. Evan was getting irritated, and rereading what this psychotic piece of shit had said about Jared kept making his anger worse. Finally, he responded.

 

Evan (3:01 p.m) 

I could completely ignore your proposition, block your number, and never speak with you again. Is that what you want?

 

Evan sent a risky text. A  _ really _ risky text. Connor was unpredictable, oh my god why did Evan think that was okay? Connor was going to climb into Evan's window when he was sleeping and murder Evan where he slept. Evan couldn't get the image of Connor licking a bloodied knife out of his mind, and in all honesty it was quite disturbing. He began to type out a long winded apology when a message from Connor appeared in the chat. 

 

Connor (3:06 p.m)

feisty, i like it. i knew there was a bit of fight under that embarrassing demeanor

 

Evan was left speechless and confused. His face felt a bit warm. Anger was fading and total uncertainty took over. He felt like Connor was only playing with Evan. Something wasn't right, and he was going to figure it out. Maybe this was all one big plot to ruin Evan's senior year, but it was the most excitement he'd had in awhile, so he decided to roll with it. 

While Evan was debating whether to leave Connor on read or answer, he was saved by Connor sending another text. Evan didn't know if he should dread the vibration of his phone now. 

 

Connor (3:11 p.m)

meet me at the computer lab closest to the cafeteria at lunch tommorw. dont forget and dont ditch

 

And with that threat, Evan left Connor on read and contemplated his existence and self worth until his mother called him downstairs for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love its really appreciated omg!! i have a bunch of muse for this fic and i hope to keep updating regularly


	4. Chapter 4

It was lunch time. Evan wasn't ready to face his probable death right now. But he went to the computer lab anyway. Against better judgement, of course. By the time he arrived, his hands were sweaty and his mind was going one hundred miles an hour. Evan tried to calm himself by whispering "it's okay, it's okay, it's okay" over and over again. Until he was interrupted. Interrupted by Connor who had pulled the door to the lab open with much more force than what was needed. 

"Are you gonna stand out here talking to yourself all lunch or actually come in?" Connor asked coldly. Evan swallowed down the irritation he felt and walked into the room, feeling Connor's eyes follow him as he did. For only the few days he had "talked" to Connor, he realized that Connor's stare was extremely intense. Always. It could really feel like he was stripping you down. Like he was trying to take your clothes off with his eyes. No, no, no, that was weird, god Evan not like that. Now Evan was most definitely blushing because his mind couldn't seem to work properly when people were staring at him. 

Evan seemed to be taking way too long to make his way to a seat for Connor's liking, because he huffed out a breath, grabbed onto Evan's shoulder with a firm grip, and led him quickly to a chair. When they were both seated and Evan was thoroughly shaken, Connor cracked a smile. It didn't seem as harsh as his other smiles, but that could just be because he saw the mildly frightened look on Evan's face. 

"You can eat if you want… I just need to ask you a question." Connor mumbled with his back to Evan while placing a couple papers back in his bag. Evan really didn't feel like telling Connor he didn't have a lunch with him so he just sat in silence and waited for the other to turn back around. 

"So, uh, what did you need?" Evan asked in a small voice, "because if you need money or something, I-I don't have that. Sorry." He winced at how sad it was that he apologized to someone who may or may not be asking him for money.

Connor snorted and said, "I don't want your damn money. I want to know when you're free." Evan's mouth dropped open slightly as he looked at Connor with a completely and utterly confused look on his face. Connor's small smile dropped until all that was left was him with his jaw clenched and a look of hurt in his eyes, "What? You have somethin' better to do? I get it, being lonely and moping is taking up all of your time. Well, fuck you!" he seemed to be getting a bit hysteric by the time he said the last line. Evan was beginning to panic because, holy shit he was going to die in the damn computer lab at school.

"Connor, please stop that's not it I just didn't completely process what you were asking. I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings just… you're kinda scaring me. Please calm down." Evan knew that isn't what he meant but it slipped out and he cringed slightly. He was going to start crying and trying to fend someone like Connor off while crying would definitely result in Evan losing. Not like Evan would win if he wasn't crying. Evan was so lost in his mind he didn't notice Connor closing his eyes and exhaling. He was trying his best to calm down. 

"Would… would you want to hang out today after school? At my house?" Connor actually sounded kind of nervous, his voice smaller than usual. Evan wasn't exactly sure if that was a good idea but he had  _ kind of _ already told Connor he would be his "fake friend" and he couldn't really go back on that now. Evan gave a small nod with a noise of confirmation. When he looked up at Connor's face, he gave a small grin, and was met with one back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it!! i have no actual posting schedule because i will never be that prepared lmao sorry


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry im bad at updating (its only been 10 days tho so thats fine)

Connor had texted Evan his address after the last bell had rung and told him to come over at 4:30 that night. He didn't know how long Connor wanted to "hang out" for, which frustrated Evan to no end. How was he supposed to know when an appropriate time to leave was? What if Connor's mom wanted Evan to stay for dinner? Evan wasn't sure he could keep his cool for that long. But he had gone anyway. Before he began the eleven minute walk (he looked it up on google maps) he texted Connor to give the boy a warning before Evan got there. And one last chance to tell Evan not to come. Connor never answered the text, which didn't exactly surprise Evan.

Connor's house was as intimidating as the boy himself was. No, his house wasn't filled with weird torture devices and the walls weren't stained with unexplainable stains. That's what most people thought was going on in Connor's house. In actuality, Evan was only intimidated by his house because it was bigger than average and impeccably clean. 

When Evan had knocked on the ornate front door (after almost talking himself into just going home) an older women, who he assumed was Connor's mom, answered the door. She looked as shocked on the outside as Evan felt on the inside. She decided to take pity on Evan and asked, "Can I help you?" 

"Connor told me to come here? Am I at the right house? Oh! I'm Evan, by the way. Evan Hansen. You must have been wondering why I was here, why didn't I say that first? That was weird I'm really sorry. I should really just go I'm sorry, thanks for your time." As he was about to turn to leave and never face anyone ever again, he heard a snort behind the women and turned to see Connor looking over his mother's head. 

"Mom, this is Evan. He's a… guy from school," Connor said, kind of awkward. It was almost sweet. This caused his mother to move to the side and hold the door open for Evan to come in. She moved back into the living room but not before yelling at Connor to keep his bedroom door open. Evan didn't think Connor's glares could get more extreme. He walked in and was instantly assaulted with Connor's always intense stare. As Evan bent down to take his shoes off, he swore he heard Connor make a snide comment under his breath. 

"Uh… what are we doing?" Evan asked while trying not to look too impressed by Connor's house.

"Going to the basement. Come on." Connor replied in a clipped tone. He shoved his hands into his sweatshirt pockets and started walking. Evan followed behind while wringing his hands. 

In the basement, he and Connor sat on separate ends of the couch. After two minutes of neither of them saying anything, Connor sighed and scooted closer to Evan. Evan subconsciously moved further away. "Well, Evan. What are some things you like to do?" 

Evan's head snapped up from its position of looking down at his hands in his lap and said, "I like uh… hiking? Yeah. Hiking. Especially in the fall, when the trees are all turning different colors and the sun filters through all the branches and it takes your breathe away…"  He looked over to where Connor was next to him, with his head propped up on his hand. He didn't seem bored, but genuinely intrigued. He was so close, but this kind of close wasn't necessarily awkward, which Evan was thankful for. 

"What about you… do you have any hobbies?" Evan asked quietly, making eye contact with Connor. 

"I like hiking, too. Gets me away from everything. I also really like adult coloring books because I can control them? If that makes sense. Because I can make sure it's inside the lines and… yeah." Connor shifted awkwardly and moved slightly away from Evan. The latter could tell that Connor released more about himself than he wanted to. He respected that and decided not to comment. 

"Maybe we could go hiking sometime?" Evan asked warily. Connor nodded with an almost there smile on his lips.

**. . .**

It turns out Mrs. Murphy did ask Evan to have dinner with them. Evan turned toward Connor and didn't see an upset expression nor did he see excitement when Connor's mother had made the offer. This ended in Evan politely declining. Mrs. Murphy, Cynthia, as he had learned, told him that the next time he stopped by he would definitely be staying. She seemed quite excited that Connor had someone over. Evan could understand that, his mother was always excited whenever he told her Jared was stopping by. 

Connor walked him to the front door. They said slightly awkward goodbyes as Evan exited the household. Evan turned around to give a wave and was met with Connor mumbling, "I'll text you," and a door in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'd be awesome if you all could leave some feedback!! whether its something i need to work on or just something nice <3

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly dont have a plot thought out for this but be prepared for if i upload. dont expect this to be in character-especially connor. if you have any constructive criticism or nice things to say, feel free to leave it in the comments! thanks for putting up with my shenanigans.


End file.
